:: Amethyst Kat's World View ::

:: Friday, September 30, 2005 ::

Okay, so, I haven't been around awhile, but I thought this was a good time to jump back into the blog world. My sister is doing pretty well, considering. She had a CAT scan a couple of weeks ago, and there hasn't been any growth in her tumors. Her cancer markers are down, too. She hasn't heard back yet about the MRI of her brain from last week. We kind of operate in the 'no news, is good news' mode. Right now, we are seeing all of this as a positive. After all, no growth and a drop in markers is a good thing when you have metastasized breast cancer.

Things have been a bit crazy for me lately, I got "let go" from my job of 4 years, and have been job hunting for MONTHS. A couple of weeks ago, I was SURE I was going to get a job-and I didn't get it. I don't understand why not, I am/would be an EXCELLENT employee. Ah, well, everyone keeps telling me something 'better' is out there. So I keep practicing optimism, even when pessimism would be a heck of a lot easier.

So, I didn't get that job, and in a fit of ...something, I signed up to Match.com. I guess I have been tired of being alone. Or something. Anyway, I got my first 'wink' the email one receives when someone else is interested. And according to the website we had a 71% match. When you consider the fact that I am pretty much a one-off, that is pretty good. However, the last book he read was The Art of the Deal and that turned me off. Trump makes me itch.

I did send a wink to someone else though. He popped up on my first search, and the more I read his profile, the more I thought I had better check. Hey, the worst that can happen is a refusal, right?

I have decided to start blogging again as a way to let out some of my frustration between my sister's illness, my job hunt and my heart hunt...geez, what else can I throw in here that would be stress inducing?

Kat

Oh, and I forgot to add that since my last post, Pippin the black cat came to live here. Yep, I officially crossed the threshold into crazy cat lady land!

:: K. 8:13 PM [+] ::
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Still pissed off about spending money on a space mission to the moon, when we have such a huge deficit here. I would rather see money spent on alternative fuels, energy and food sources. However, I don't have anything productive left to say or that I can do about it, so I am going to leave it alone.

Today I just wanted to check in and say hi to the world. I think the world has a lot of good things going for it, but humans are screwing it up big time. I think some of the poisons and diseases we have are the worlds way of sending 'antibiotics' against the virus that has so completely infected it. Namely us, humans, homo sapiens. My two cents for today.

:: K. 12:58 PM [+] ::
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Well, today is going to take a bit of a political bent. I have been watching the news about the different democratic candidates that will be challenging GWB and I see the need to do more research on the politics of this race. I am not a particularly political person, but I do vote and I do want to be a part of the process. I also want to make good decisions. Although I originally supported GWB, he has managed to change my mind. The most recent thing that has bothered me is the Moonbase idea. Sure, it would be great (long time sci-fi fan here) BUT I do not see it as a priority over the problems we have here on Earth right now. And sending that kind of money (when we don't have any money, really, let's face it) out into space seems ridiculous to me. And that is just one reason.
More on this later....

:: K. 9:59 AM [+] ::
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Oh wow, it has been over a year since my last BLOG. Well I still have my own little view of the world, but my perspective has changed a lot.

My sister has found out that her breast cancer has returned and it isn't going to go away this time. I am up to 8 nephews and a niece now....we reach into the barrel, and come up BOYS! I lost my dog and one of my cats last year, and gained two kittens. The world continues to turn on it's axis as we mere mortals live, die, hope and dream through our days.

I'll be around more now-promise.

:: K. 6:01 PM [+] ::
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So, it has been awhile. For me, work has started back up again, and I was out of town for a bit too. So much has happened in the last few weeks. I will continue to work for my part-time summer employer, as well as teach school full time. I went to Baltimore, and got to see a GREAT exhibit at the Baltimore Museum of Art. Some really fabulous, and relatively unknown Impressionist works from the Cone Collection. The artists featured include Picasso, Cezanne, Matisse, and Gauguin. If you get a chance to see this exhibit, I highly recommend it.
I enjoyed watching the Little League World Series. The Valley Sports team that won is local to me.
Our book club met again this week, and we read Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. There are some parts of it that really are hilarious. Some of it is really heavy, but I hear (didn't QUITE get finished) that it has a good ending. Our next book is The Island of Dr. Moreau by H. G. Wells. I get to host next time...Oy. That means I have to clean my house. If you didn't already know this, I am a horrible housekeeper. So I have a lot of work ahead of me to get ready. Good thing I have several weeks. Even so, as I procrastinate, I will probably wait to the last minute to do anything. How do you fight a procrastinating personality?
I also went to the zoo a couple weeks ago with my nephew-one of seven. He is a great kid, and had a fabulous personality. Of course, each of my boys is special in his own way. I also want to note that my niece is pretty great also!
Well, that catches you up on why I haven't kept up here, or at least, gives you my excuse. My fellow bookclubber, Amy, who is the mother of a preschooler, a toddler, and a six week old baby, prepared to teach her university course, sewed two blankets, finished the book, managed to look great at the book club, and was NOT impressed by my so-called busy-ness, and tiredness. I have to admit that next to her, I came up incredibly incompetent. I yam, who I yam, and I can't be anyone else.
I'll post sooner than last time.

:: K. 7:34 PM [+] ::
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Warning, this is not a humorous post. It does contain religious content, and the views of the author.

Through the 'nextblog' link I found this site today, and found a whole new world of Blogs. As a Catholic who has struggled with her faith, and has, since Autumn of 1999 been actively discerning God's Will in her life, this was a blessing of a find. I haven't read it all, so I am not saying that I unequivocally endorse it, I am just saying that it sounded the kind of place I would like to visit, as a forum for issues that I face. And it has many, many links to other Catholic forums.

If you are tired of this discussion, that is fine, I hope you come back and visit on another day. This Blog is for my World View. Sometimes that includes humor, and at this moment, it is serious. I want to say that I believe the Catholic Church is my best way to get closer to God. It may not be yours, and I respect that. I spent several years during and after college exploring other faiths, and other belief systems, and chose to renew my faith in Christ through the Catholic Church several years ago.

The "Current Crisis in the Catholic Church" as the world now calls it, causes me, and probably others, many painful moments. We love our Church, the Church that we believe Jesus Christ established for those who believe in Him, and it is hard to see that agents of the Church have abused the ones they should have been protecting. And it is hard to see that some members of the hierarchy protected those who should have been set apart. I believe completely that pedophiles, and abusers, should be prosecuted, and cast out of the priesthood.

It is difficult when people choose to make jokes about this horrible situation. Around me, they have soon learned that it isn't a joking matter. The jokes make it a fault of the Church. It isn't the fault of the Church, it is the fault of the human weakness of people in the Church. Pedophilia, sexual perversion, and other physical abuses, are all sicknesses and the bricks of this issue. They are not caused, or exacerbated by celibacy. Embarassment, and ignorance are weaknesses, in the hierarchy, that have been the mortar for the bricks. Together this wall was built, and thank God, it is now coming down.

Am I embarassed? Yes, I am embarassed that there were (adult) men and women too weak to stand up and say "this is wrong." Am I embarassed by the Church? No, because to me, the Church is more than just the hierarchy of priests, bishops, monsignors, archbishops, cardinals, and the Pope. The Church is everyone who believes in Christ; it IS Christ; it is everyone who does God's will....so I cannot, and will not, be embarassed by the Church, or by my beliefs. I pray daily for healing for everyone who has been hurt by a false representative of Christ and I pray for their abusers, even though that is really difficult.

Peace,
Kat

:: K. 3:39 PM [+] ::
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Well, after a bit of a slow start, and a break to bake brownies, because it was the only thing I could make that was chocolate, and didn't require milk (I need to go to the grocery), I got through the first and second items on my list, and am on my way through the third one, which is kinda extensive, and I plan to take another 'nap' here in a minute and wow this is turning into the longest run-on sentence I have ever seen, anyway, then hopefully get through most of it tomorrow, um today. Whew. Wish me luck.

:: K. 1:59 AM [+] ::
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BLOGGER

:: K. 6:23 PM [+] ::
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So, I admit that I have been neglecting the Blog, but I have been really busy. Because of earlier summer procrastination, I am now playing catch up as I finish my summer job (a very interesting research gig), and prepare for my students this fall. My most involved preparation this past week has been to spend time at school (counting supplies, checking invoices) and at the library, tying up loose ends, and double checking my references. That was earlier this week.

TODAY, my most intensive preparedness involved sleeping. I have a list that I made, IN ORDER, of the things I need to do before Monday. It is a pretty long list. Of course, creating the list involved a great deal of energy, so I decided to have breakfast (restoring energy), check my email, and then get to work. All went as planned for the first two, but the getting to work part was delayed by the inordinate need to nap. I have a theory about that, actually. And before you say anything, I want to say that this isn't an excuse. An excuse would be if I said, "well, I was really tired because I had stayed up reading until 3:00am the night (morning?) before." (which I had, but that is not my excuse, er, reason.) My claim is that this is a conditioned response. (Don't you hate it when people have just enough psychology to be scary?)
When I was a kid/teen, my mom was always trying to get me to clean my room, (not any better at it now, I am afraid) and she would set aside specific days to do so. "Saturday, you kids need to clean the upstairs, and I mean it!" she would tell us. This included our rooms, and the upstairs bathroom. I shared a room with my sister Kathy until I was 13, and then got my own room by switching with my youngest sister, Jennifer (who had had her own room until that time). My bathroom job was the tub, until my brother got tall enough to be able to reach across it, and then it was the toilet, because I was the oldest. Being the oldest definitely had it's advantages and disadvantages.
After breakfast, which was right after I had to feed and water my pony and the numerous cats and dogs that lived in our barn, I was to go upstairs and clean. Usually, I cleaned the toilet first. One thing about me, I usually do the most hated thing first. Of course, the other thing about me is that it might be the only thing I get done. Then, I might start picking up my room. I might get a few things picked up, or a few books reshelved, when I would think...'I am just SO tired (usually because I had been up late the night before READING, just like now.) I'll just lay down on the bed for a minute.' Nap time would then take up the bulk of the day, and I would go downstairs to have my mother say, "well, if you slept that long, you must have needed it. You can clean tomorrow." (which I never did.) And she would forgive me for not getting my chores done. (Isn't she a great Mom!?) It wasn't long before my devious pre-teen mind would forget the guilt associated with letting my mom down, and think, 'I will get out of cleaning, by just taking the nap.' (I never skipped the toilet on chore day, that wouldn't have been allowed.) And so now, whenever I 'plan' a list, I forget to put 'NAP' at the top, even though I know I will probably take one. That is why I think it is conditioning.
As an adult, I have often reflected on one other aspect of 'chore day.' And that is the thought that my mother might have been smarter than I realized at the time. I was never caught up on my sleep, and I would rather read than sleep, and unfortunately, it was never a choice, but I would probably rather read than eat (this hasn't ever been tested, so it is pure conjecture.) I used to stay up late, weekends, school nights, summer and winter, just to "finish one more chapter, pleeease!" Often after a long series of late nights, it would suddenly be declared "chore day," and I would get a pretty long nap. Hmmmm. Of course, my living quarters were CONSTANTLY in need of cleaning, so perhaps she wasn't on to me. I'll never know, because I am never going to admit to her that I was trying to manipulate the situation!!!

Meanwhile, back to today, I have had a great nap, and I have this evening (Friday) through Sunday to get my chore list completed. I think I can do it. But only if I quit Blogging!

:: K. 5:52 PM [+] ::
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Found a neat BLOG about books ....check it out!!!

:: K. 2:33 PM [+] ::
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The Good Life

: Sometimes, I forget how fortunate I am. Sometimes, I whine and bitch about things that really don't matter, and if you have visited here before, you know that. The truth is that I have a great life. Not a good life, a GREAT life. This is my recognition of that gift.
: I have my own home, my own car, my own debt, my own life to live as I please. How many of you can say that? I have seven adorable nephews (still young enough to call adorable, I plan to skip their teenage years, and wait on the other side) and one beautiful teenaged niece (I love her most of the time, hey, she is a teenager!). They are probably the most important things in my life, and are the only priorities that rank above my other family members. My family includes two affectionate cats, Galen and Nox; one sweet, little dog, Duncan; and a fish, Horace(...who is hungry...be right back. Okay, I am back). I also have two loving sisters, a nutty brother, the appropriate in-laws to go with same, and two fairly functional parental units. (The warranty is expired, what can you do?) I even still have my grandma and grandpa, although they have definitely hit the elderly stage.
: This past year, I got an opportunity to fulfill a career dream. I have only had this dream for about 16 or 17 years (as opposed to a lifetime), but finally it was realized. Through some amazing happenings, I applied for and was offered a teaching job. This year, for first time since I graduated college, I was able to say, "I am an art teacher." The school is one of the best schools around, the students are great most of the time, and I was finally doing what I had wanted to do all of my adult life. It was wonderful. All year I prayed, 'God, please, just don't let me die before the end of the school year.' Now I say 'Thank YOU!'
: Then I got grumpy, because I didn't get any money saved this summer, but I did get tires (badly needed), a timing belt (ditto), and the veterinary bills paid up. Whining about little things like that. I should know better after the year I have had. I kept saying, "if only..." this, or that? What? What else do I really need? That whole $2000 that is now $1200 that used to be my 401(k)? So what! I am okay now. Life is crazy, but I am okay now.
: My family pretty much thinks I am, at the best, weird, at worst, crazy. Sometimes I think they have a betting pool and dates picked out for the day I finally jump off of the deep end. But they love me, they support me, they care about me, and they trust me with their children. I must not be too crazy.
: I am not saying that we all get along all of the time. Sometimes, we can really piss each other off. But it doesn't last. This past year, my youngest sister, only 29 and a mother of three, discovered a lump in her breast. It was cancer. I have never been so scared in my life. I couldn't remember ever being mad at her, or having my feelings hurt, because I was so overwhelmed with the thought that she might not be here to make me mad again. She squared her shoulders, and went ahead with some very serious choices, and she is recovering well. They say she is cancer free. I pray they are right. I looked at her, and I looked at my other family members differently after that. I was brave enough to write a letter to her, telling her that I thought she was one of the bravest, strongest, and most beautiful people I have ever met. I was even brave enough to give it to her, but I wasn't brave enough to find out what she thought about it.
: I need to write letters to my other family members. I am better at words on paper than talking. I shouldn't be afraid that they are going to die, before I tell them that they are loved and respected. My mother should know that the first time I saw weakness in her, was the first time I recognized my own strength as strength I learned from her. My father should know that I forgive him for his sternness, and I love him in spite of it. My brother should know that I think he has the strangest priorities, but he is incredibly talented and a great father. And my other sister needs to know that I am amazed at how well she knows herself, and her abilities.

: All in all, I have a great life. I seriously doubt that if I pulled a 'George Bailey', I'd be 'the richest' woman in town, but it would be close. And maybe I haven't ever saved anyone's life, but I fit into an intricate puzzle of people; a puzzle that includes family, friends, former lovers, strangers and even enemies. That puzzle would be different if I wasn't in it. Sometimes, I am overcome by the greed in today's lifestyle, wanting what others have, making myself believe I 'need' things that I really don't, rationalizing purchases when I should be shutting my wallet. But tonight, I wanted to set all of that aside, and remember that I have a GREAT life, and I am thankful for it.
: Tomorrow, I might be sad, or happy, or tired, or afraid but tonight, my view of the world is wonderful.

:: K. 11:24 PM [+] ::
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Written at 4:00 am when I was awake because...

Galen (Number One cat in the house) is insane and it isn't even a full moon. Actually, I think the great insane one may just be constipated, you should have seen me at 3:30am chasing this loudly complaining, tail bushed out, VERY quickly moving, completely uncooperative feline around the house with a spoonful of pumpkin. (go ahead, laugh, I assure you, in two-three weeks, I might find it funny also) After two circuits I gave up and put it in his dish, which, by the way, he usually ignores (unless it is empty), but this time he decides to eat it. As though he were saying to me, "oh, is THIS what you wanted me for?" Little f**king demon cat.

On top of that, I am awake, NOT because of Galen, although I would have been, but because I am having such violent and unproductive coughing fits that I can't sleep lying down without choking. This is thanks to my twice a year, asthma inducing, severe allergy attack that has no rhyme or reason, appears whether I am taking allergy meds or not, usually turns into bronchitis and will, one of these days, land me in the hospital. As long as I am sitting up, say, at the computer, I am okay, but I don't know about you, but it isn't easy for me to sleep sitting up. And sleep isn't easy after a hit on an inhaler either. Jittery, jittery!
Okay, thanks, I needed to rant, but now I need to try to sleep...again. Lots of pillows, lots and lots of pillows.

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and now later around 9:00 am....

I just want to know two things.
One, why is my cat insane?

and Two, how does this broncho thing happen from, "gee, I feel perfectly fine" to frog woman from the swamp in two fast days with NO warning symptoms or sinus trouble? (Friday morning to 3:30 am Sunday morning)

I used to get sinus infections. Now, I just wake up with Bronchitis! I would have called the doctor yesterday, but it was Saturday and I was sure it wasn't going to be bronchitis this time (okay, so maybe I am the insane one). So, tomorrow morning, I will be on the phone. I don't have time to be sick, and I don't have the money for meds...what to do, what to do? {cough} {hack} {cough} Yep, there's that lung I am going to need later!

:: K. 9:07 AM [+] ::
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Okay, a focus. I am not sure I want a focus, because as soon as settle on something, I will change my mind. Or come up with a great, off-topic idea! So I will continue to muddle along for now. Thanks for reading along with me.

:: K. 5:11 PM [+] ::
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A few thoughts.
One, I think it is great that so many people are participating in Blog-a-thon. Perhaps next year I can do that. I am, unfortunately, extremely short on funds right now, or I would have sponsored someone, probably NettKatt because she is supporting a great cause and she lives in my area, and hopefully will be at the meetup in August. So GO! Debbie, I can at least be a cheerleader. Or I would sponsor this site, because I lost a friend to Cystic Fibrosis.

Two, this page has been kinda lame so far, and I am not sure what to do with it. I mean, I have written about animal issues and fat people issues, and re: that, thanks Loraine for sending me the email about a better soap opera I can pretend to not watch during the day, instead of Judge Fillintheblank. I am just not sure where to take this site. Do I continue to just type whatever comes into my little brain? Do I try to find a FOCUS? According to what I call it, this is supposed to be my view of things. Now all I have to do is figure out what that is.

Three, what is up with this kidnapping thing? I mean it is like they called this National Kidnapping Month, and it is just SCARY. Please leave the kids alone. Please.

Four, School starts soon, and if you thought I procrastinated before, just wait til you see what kind of procrastinating I can accomplish when I am supposed to be grading art projects. The little monsters. Really though, I love my job, if JUST didn't have to GRADE things. I have discovered that a lot of teachers are like that (purely from anectdotal (sp?) evidence). I should say that I will post here less because School will make me so busy, but chances are, in an escape from the daily grind I will post here MORE and procrastinate about my grading! We'll see.
I have promised myself that I will do better this year. And I will keep making that promise until I can keep it or I die!

:: K. 10:25 AM [+] ::
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